So, the Banyule election counter in the sidebar there is busted, but no matter - we all know the great even is taking place this Saturday. I wonder how we'll find out who the winners are? Maybe we'll have to wait until Wednesday when the Heidelberg Leader comes out. I don't suppose they'll have an election night special on the ABC instead of the Bill.
I have not been able to decide whether to engage in election candidate commentary here since I don't specially want my house burned down or a bag of dog shit left on the doorstep. Also there are far too many candidates to do them all justice. On the other hand, it's my fecking democratic right to join in. It also strikes me that this is something of a historic moment since I bet you any money that by the next time we have a council election in Banyule all the candidates will have blogs of their own. So I'm going to just have a little chat about some of the guys standing in Ibbott ward (Watsonia, Rosanna, Viewbank and that), specifically about the ones whose friends thought the "NO JUNK MAIL" sign on my letterbox didn't apply to them. Number One: Tom "The Pelican" Mellican
I have a special warm feeling about Tom because I've seen him in real life, three times! Once he made a speech at a Banyule event, another time he was digging in the garden bed behind his house, and the last time he was standing in the front yard of someone else's house holding a cordless drill. That was only a couple of weeks ago. I wish I had've had the nerve to roll down the car window and ask him where he stands on the issues - did I mention the issues? The issues are 1) the ongoing detention without charge of David Hicks and 2) animal experimentation.
Tom has a long list of things he'll do, like "promote family values", "speak out against the zone ticketing system" etc. His main point though seems to be that he doesn't have plans to try to get himself into state or federal politics, UNLIKE SOME OTHER CANDIDATES AROUND HERE - he does quite a lot of *hint hint*ing about that.
Enough about him.NUMBER TWO: Scott "No Mates" Crawford
I have alluded before to the fact that Scott has himself a website
, more about that in a moment. I understand Scott was somehow embroiled in the Melbourne University Student Union Ginormous Shitefight
of days gone by: so it would seem he has a natural aptitude for politicking? Well, that's all in the past. Very much in the present is the deluge of poorly-written and foolish campaign material about Scott which has been thrust in to our long-suffering letterbox every ten days or so for the past six weeks. The scan you see there is one of four pages in this particular flyer. All featured the same annoying failure to distinguish between "commonsense", and adjective, and "common sense", a noun. He also spells "roundabout" as "round a bout" at least three times.
What I like best about the Scott Crawford Campaign Juggernaut is its utter jejune silliness, as epitomised by the photographs he's circulated of himself. I can't look at these with a straight face. For instance, see in the bottom right corner of the scan a blurry shot of Scott doing the "vision thing" for a transfixed bystander, outside the Macleod YMCA? Well, have a look at the website and see the same stance photoshopped onto a completely different location. Did he think we wouldn't notice? Well I notice everything. I even noticed that the address his leaflets give for electoral correspondence is a house which is advertised for sale at the moment.
I'm sorry to go on about him so much. Consider the ranting directly proportional to the quantities of "newsletters" he's imposed on us. Next!NUMBER Three: Matt "Tabula Rasa" Aitken
Matt is a Man of Mystery - his key electoral strategy seems to be just giving the punters a how to vote card (printed on much nicer stock than the other cheap bastards paid for) and basically letting them project their own Fantasy Matt without impediment from any particular policies. Nice headshot too - I reckon Matt might have done some extra work at some stage, d'ye think?
Matt has a website
too. And dear sweet mother of Jesus, it has a forum. Which has been going since January. With three posts. Two made by Matt himself. He says he likes animals! Cool!
Last of all - number four: Flamin' David Mulholland
I found David's flyer, which only arrived last week, perhaps the most interesting of all. David's brilliant strategy is just to hang seven kinds of shit on everyone else, especially Scott. He has more to say about Scott than about himself, generally it is just about that MUSU thingo again. He says Scott has been served a writ for 3.4 million dollars. (Is that why the house is on the market?) I wish I had bothered to scan the thing properly so you could read it yourself. David says of himself that "politics is in his blood" - we wondered if that means he's related to Deputy Mayor Jenny Mulholland? Anyone know? The local paper gave David's age as 19 by the way. Point three on David's shit list is also rather nice - he says one of the candidates, Marcus McFarland, is "the unknown candidate" (that I agree with, no flyer from Marcus) - but he can't rest until he's wondered "if there is a Marcus McFarland out there or is it a figment of Scott's imagination."
Ooh, is one of the candidates a psychopomp?!?!
Well, there you have it. The monumental Ibbot Ward faceoff. Boy am I looking forward to Saturday. If any council candidates are reading this and would like to make a guest post, or possibly let us all know where you stand on the issues I mentioned up there somewhere, drop me a line on email@example.com.